Babies everywhere!
Aug. 25th, 2011 09:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dancerjodiI'm so elated for friends who had their baby girl yesterday! Having gone along with them a bit on this journey through unexplained infertility, it is just awe inspiring to see them coming out on the other side. It seems only yesterday that I was hanging out with them one night and got to watch first-hand the process of fertility injections. I came home that night and told Brian that I just did not want things to get that bad, that I could not see myself doing that (they had been on this journey longer than we had). Little did I know we'd be in the same boat months later (after over a year of perfectly scheduled, medically 'supervised' trying). It took 2 cycles of injections and IUI to finally grow our little Dianoga. So many couples deal with this issue and not many talk about it. It can be a frustrating and isolating place some times. Despite there being nothing wrong with either of us, it just wasn't happening until we artificially upped the odds using modern technology. I'm the kind of person that doesn't take aspirin for a headache, so the invasiveness of this process was new to me. In the end, it was a matter of how much I wanted to have my own family. I am so thankful for the resources we had available to us (insurance coverage, work flexibility) and the support from close friends and family through this whole journey. I still can't believe that we are where we are right now.
In a more mundane and positive area, I had some downtime yesterday and scheduled our babe-related classes. We won't take them until later in the term, but I feel better getting them on the books and out of the way: one less thing to do. THP will reimburse the classes for birth preparation (we're doing a 1-day, all day) and for breastfeeding (only 2.5 hours). In addition we're taking an infant/child CPR class that's about 4 hours long. I haven't taken CPR since high school gym class, and before that since the babysitting training course at Waltham Weston Hospital when I was about 11 years old. I am guessing given the City of Everett's stellar school system circa the 80s/90s (when the High School almost lost accreditation) that Brian has never taken a CPR course. That will be in November, and the other two in December (they suggest taking them a month before delivery so it is fresh in your head).
Next month we're attending a 'meet the MDs and midwives' for the practice which will be held at Newton Wellesley Hospital, where I am delivering. Though I have an MD selected (the GYN I've been seeing for years) and have worked with a couple of the midwives, they suggest you meet everyone because you never know who will be around when the time comes. They do a little meet and greet/Q&A and then a virtual tour of the hospital. I guess the hospital does actual tours 2 days a week separate from this (they were going to provide details on how to set it up at the birth preparedness class in December, but the hospital website had details on it as well). They are my local hospital and I am a strong proponent for local community hospitals where appropriate, so I'm glad to deliver there. Friends have had wonderful experiences there for the most part.
The house stuff is kind of weighing on me. I know that in reality the limited lead in our home is probably OK and probably won't hurt our baby, but I'm annoyed that the contractors won't call us back to come out and give us a quote (in this economy, you would think that they would want our money). Decorating the babe's room is something I'm gradually working on, still in the 'getting stuff out of there' phase. There seem to be no lack of safe (no drop side) cribs on Craigslist, and there are a couple of simple ones I like at Ikea. Organizing/decorating is something I'm good at and enjoy doing anyway, so it will be fun to play around with things once we have a bit of a blank slate in there. Soon.
We will also have to jump into the daycare search next month or the month after. It is early, but places can only take so many infants and they fill up fast. You have to find what you like and get yourself on a waiting list, 'they' say 6 months or so in advance. Nutso. We're looking for a place in Waltham where Brian would do the drop off and I would do the pickup. Waffling between home-based or center-based. Home-based has the advantage of being potentially more flexible, more homey, and less expensive. Center-based would presumably have more structure/academic activities going on and more kids that ultimately we'd want her to benefit from, but it's not just necessary at this infant stage. It would be easier for us to find a center-based place that she'd just stay in - if we find a home-based one we'd only need to move her later to a center-based one (least of all for preschool). Decisions decisions. As usual, I have a little google doc started to organize all of these kinds of things.
In a more mundane and positive area, I had some downtime yesterday and scheduled our babe-related classes. We won't take them until later in the term, but I feel better getting them on the books and out of the way: one less thing to do. THP will reimburse the classes for birth preparation (we're doing a 1-day, all day) and for breastfeeding (only 2.5 hours). In addition we're taking an infant/child CPR class that's about 4 hours long. I haven't taken CPR since high school gym class, and before that since the babysitting training course at Waltham Weston Hospital when I was about 11 years old. I am guessing given the City of Everett's stellar school system circa the 80s/90s (when the High School almost lost accreditation) that Brian has never taken a CPR course. That will be in November, and the other two in December (they suggest taking them a month before delivery so it is fresh in your head).
Next month we're attending a 'meet the MDs and midwives' for the practice which will be held at Newton Wellesley Hospital, where I am delivering. Though I have an MD selected (the GYN I've been seeing for years) and have worked with a couple of the midwives, they suggest you meet everyone because you never know who will be around when the time comes. They do a little meet and greet/Q&A and then a virtual tour of the hospital. I guess the hospital does actual tours 2 days a week separate from this (they were going to provide details on how to set it up at the birth preparedness class in December, but the hospital website had details on it as well). They are my local hospital and I am a strong proponent for local community hospitals where appropriate, so I'm glad to deliver there. Friends have had wonderful experiences there for the most part.
The house stuff is kind of weighing on me. I know that in reality the limited lead in our home is probably OK and probably won't hurt our baby, but I'm annoyed that the contractors won't call us back to come out and give us a quote (in this economy, you would think that they would want our money). Decorating the babe's room is something I'm gradually working on, still in the 'getting stuff out of there' phase. There seem to be no lack of safe (no drop side) cribs on Craigslist, and there are a couple of simple ones I like at Ikea. Organizing/decorating is something I'm good at and enjoy doing anyway, so it will be fun to play around with things once we have a bit of a blank slate in there. Soon.
We will also have to jump into the daycare search next month or the month after. It is early, but places can only take so many infants and they fill up fast. You have to find what you like and get yourself on a waiting list, 'they' say 6 months or so in advance. Nutso. We're looking for a place in Waltham where Brian would do the drop off and I would do the pickup. Waffling between home-based or center-based. Home-based has the advantage of being potentially more flexible, more homey, and less expensive. Center-based would presumably have more structure/academic activities going on and more kids that ultimately we'd want her to benefit from, but it's not just necessary at this infant stage. It would be easier for us to find a center-based place that she'd just stay in - if we find a home-based one we'd only need to move her later to a center-based one (least of all for preschool). Decisions decisions. As usual, I have a little google doc started to organize all of these kinds of things.
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no subject
Date: 2011-08-25 01:28 pm (UTC)And the modern technology doesn't always work. We tried for 3 years for #2, after having NO issues conceiving the kiddo. I went through all the IUI, and even IVF. AFTER all that I had 5 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy.
So I am elated for you and for all the people I see having babies around me, because I know the heartbreak of not being able to.
Yes, this is true too
Date: 2011-08-25 01:36 pm (UTC)That place is a tough one - being happy for friends and family that are getting pregnant but feeling terrible that it is not you this time. Now that I am pregnant I feel guilty sometimes for the folks that still have problems or have miscarried - but I am so relieved to be where I am now. My sister had called me to tell me she was pregnant with her last babe and apologized to me (like it was her fault I wasn't getting pregnant). My sister in law was so happy that we finally got pregnant because she felt guilty when it happened for her so easily (when both myself and one of her sisters were struggling). Strangely enough she and I are due the same day.
I think it is tough for everyone on all sides to deal with, because nobody talks about it. Folks want to be supportive but don't know what to say or how to do it. Or feel bad for their good fortune. Or feel bad about their own misfortune (despite being so happy for their loved ones fortune).
Basically, it is a mess. :)
Re: Yes, this is true too
Date: 2011-08-25 01:42 pm (UTC)I think it would work best if folks talked about their struggles. Yes, it's personal. Yes, it can hurt. But excluding infertile folks from these celebrations just to try to not hurt their feelings then makes them feel like they are less important because they aren't able to reproduce.
On the other hand, we also like a bit of understanding if there's something we can't do. For a few years, I made crocheted stuffed animals for my friends that were having babies. After the last IVF failed, though, I couldn't do it anymore. I just didn't have the heart to do it. (Of course, that left an unfinished giraffe that kind of looks like a cozy for some kind of adult toy - I joke that the little girl it was meant for can now get it when she's 18).
It's tough, but it's also part of life. Not everyone succeeds at everything they try to do. I never thought I'd "fail" at something so important to me, because I never had before. I often remind myself that my "failure," was only that I hadn't met my husband earlier in life - and how could that really be a failure when the other option was to not meet him at all?
Re: Yes, this is true too
Date: 2011-08-25 01:57 pm (UTC)You hit the nail right on the head. It is harder for us to do this as we get older, but many people are waiting for various reasons. I'm not happy about the struggles we've had, but I wouldn't have wanted to give up the stuff I did earlier in life for it to be different. My husband didn't want kids for a very long time, but I'd rather be with him and with no kids than have had kids a long time ago.
There was a local author/comic artist that wrote a book "Good Eggs" I think was the title. She struggled for years and multiple IVF cycles, until they just stopped. She seemed to make peace with it and focused energies in other areas of her life. Of course the book was just a bit of distraction, but it was very spot on, and very laugh-out loud funny in parts. You may enjoy reading it (I was able to get it via our library network and it was a quick read).
Talking about it didn't change things for me, but it did make me feel a bit better about it. Ignoring the elephant in the room never works (I'm sorry your friends were excluding you from things to 'make it easy' on you. :/ )
no subject
Date: 2011-08-25 02:10 pm (UTC)Isn't it ironic that we spend our most fertile years taking pills to make us infertile, and our less fertile ones taking pills to make us more fertile?
On the other hand, maybe it's nothing new, how many fairy tales start out like this: "Once upon a time there was a king and a queen, who were so sorry that they had no children; so sorry that it cannot be expressed. They went to all the waters in the world; vows, pilgrimages, all ways were tried, and all to no avail."
Obviously this is not a new problem.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-26 02:35 pm (UTC)I wonder if there is any way to test - in your twenties - to see how much time you have left.