Some questions answered:
Jul. 8th, 2005 03:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dancerjodiFrom here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/dancer/655170.html
“If you hadn’t met Brian, what do you think you'd be doing differently?”
Not too much different at a high level actually. First off, there are a lot of things that I think Brian and I have accomplished together that we couldn’t have done without each other. Speaking of general, major things though, I’d imagine I’d have met someone at some point that I’d be with. I’m doing what I had pretty much been working at: living in Waltham, hitting shows/clubs here and there, building home and family, professional aspirations. I always liked the sewing/crafty/costuming stuff, but I don’t know if I’d do it to the same degree as I do now (since most of my friends weren’t into it). Brian’s also less interested in kids than I am (and doesn’t have that age clock issue to deal with to the same degree), so my guess is that I’d be a mom earlier than I at some point probably will.
”Which do you find easier - to forgive or forget?”
I just don’t forget, period. In order to make peace with things myself (and not drive myself nuts) if I’m not able to work a situation out with a person, I just have to forgive. Otherwise it will drive me nuts. I think people that try and forget are often fooling themselves. Significant events just don’t go away, and they always have some kind of impact on us. Its our place to make sense and learn from them so that we get *something* from it.
"Sometimes I am really really tempted to leave my marriage because it just isn't working for me anymore. You've been married a while..any advice?"
Yeah. Get talking. Most issues grow out of communication problems. If you're unhappy and its a secret thing, that's a problem. It means your spouse doesn't know you're unhappy (or why), and how then is the problem to go away? Its possible to overcome a lot of shitty things with communication. Now if its a major issue that's never going to go away (like, you want to travel around the world and your spouse hates travel, or your spouse wants to be poly and you don't under any circumstance), well, I can't see how a marriage like that *can* work. And actually, how it happened if the first place if everyone talked out all the major issues before getting married. Unfortunately love just isn't enough. Making a life with someone means that we have to make all of our hopes, dreams and ideosyncracies gel - and that's always going to take effort and brutal honesty (sometimes unfortunately, quite a bit :/ ). Still, I wouldn't trade it myself for the world. I've learned a lot about myself and Brian given some of the shit we've gone through (some of which took a lot of time to work out) together.
“If you hadn’t met Brian, what do you think you'd be doing differently?”
Not too much different at a high level actually. First off, there are a lot of things that I think Brian and I have accomplished together that we couldn’t have done without each other. Speaking of general, major things though, I’d imagine I’d have met someone at some point that I’d be with. I’m doing what I had pretty much been working at: living in Waltham, hitting shows/clubs here and there, building home and family, professional aspirations. I always liked the sewing/crafty/costuming stuff, but I don’t know if I’d do it to the same degree as I do now (since most of my friends weren’t into it). Brian’s also less interested in kids than I am (and doesn’t have that age clock issue to deal with to the same degree), so my guess is that I’d be a mom earlier than I at some point probably will.
”Which do you find easier - to forgive or forget?”
I just don’t forget, period. In order to make peace with things myself (and not drive myself nuts) if I’m not able to work a situation out with a person, I just have to forgive. Otherwise it will drive me nuts. I think people that try and forget are often fooling themselves. Significant events just don’t go away, and they always have some kind of impact on us. Its our place to make sense and learn from them so that we get *something* from it.
"Sometimes I am really really tempted to leave my marriage because it just isn't working for me anymore. You've been married a while..any advice?"
Yeah. Get talking. Most issues grow out of communication problems. If you're unhappy and its a secret thing, that's a problem. It means your spouse doesn't know you're unhappy (or why), and how then is the problem to go away? Its possible to overcome a lot of shitty things with communication. Now if its a major issue that's never going to go away (like, you want to travel around the world and your spouse hates travel, or your spouse wants to be poly and you don't under any circumstance), well, I can't see how a marriage like that *can* work. And actually, how it happened if the first place if everyone talked out all the major issues before getting married. Unfortunately love just isn't enough. Making a life with someone means that we have to make all of our hopes, dreams and ideosyncracies gel - and that's always going to take effort and brutal honesty (sometimes unfortunately, quite a bit :/ ). Still, I wouldn't trade it myself for the world. I've learned a lot about myself and Brian given some of the shit we've gone through (some of which took a lot of time to work out) together.
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no subject
Date: 2005-07-08 09:19 pm (UTC)I suspect that "forgetting" is really just superficial forgiveness. True forgiveness means coming to terms with what happened. "Forgetting" seems like a cop-out, like just saying, eh, I just don't want to deal with it, let's pretend it never happened. Unless you have some type of degenerative brain disease, you're unlikely to forget the important stuff. And if you are actually able to forget it, it was probably pretty unimportant to begin with, and what you really did was forgive.